When The Shark Bites

submitted by Kantbe Thursday

Surfwatch staff are asked to take on a lot of things. Some are fairly simple, some are fun, and some are down right dangerous. In this article, the writer was asked by Tauri Tigerpaw, Editor-in-chief, to try to answer some of the myths about sharks first hand. Read on for Kantbe Thursday’s interview with world renowned shark expert, Christopher “Mack” Shark. [Should be read while listening to this]

KT: Thanks for taking the time from your busy schedule of cruising the coast line to answer a few questions for the SurfWatch readers, Mack.

M: No prob, Red. Here, have a bea. Might I add yo' look wack enough ta smoke?

KT: er, thanks Mack

KT: Let me start with one of the most common things people say about sharks. They say that sharks are hungry man eaters who look for any chance to attack.

M: Sharks aint hustlin humans. Most "attacks" on humans is mistakes cuz of skanky wata visibilitizzle or is inquisitizzle bites. This is why there be all kindsa nuff mo' bites than fatalities.

KT: I've also heard people say they think that all sharks are the same. What can you say about that?

M: Shark species r' incredibly diverse wit' very different sizes, shapes, habitats, diets n' behaviors. There r' approximately 500 shark species, N' therez Ain't nuthin' but only three (white, tiga n' bull) r' responsible fo' da majority o' all bites.

KT: Interesting. All of those species and only a few known to bite humans. Er, what kind are you, Mack?

M: Les jus say I be known ta bite.

KT: (after moving to a chair a little further away) I guess this one is related. Some people think that all sharks are voracious predators.

M: Baskin sharks n' whale sharks, tha two phattest speciez of sharks, is filta feedaz dat feed on fish eggs n' other tiny organisms.

KT: Some have said, certainly not me, that the only good shark is a dead shark.

M: Sharks play a vital role up in keepin marine ecosystems balanced n' healthy fo' realz. An yo knows, sharks help coastal economies all up in ecotourism. Many playas is willin ta pay big-ass sumz of scrilla fo' tha opportunitizzle ta dive wit sharks.

KT: I've also heard it said that if a shark attack has not occurred, it means they do not live in that area.

M: Dat's a bunch o' bull! Sharks bust moves up in all of tha ghetto’s oceans - from inshore, coastal watas ta tha open, deep-blue sea - n' some can even be found up in freshwata rivers n' lakes.

KT: No offense intended, Mack, but some say that sharks have walnut-sized brains.

M: I'd bust if dat we're so stupid. Sharks can have complex hood behavior n' some species can communicate wit' body language, live in groups n' even hunt in packs. Sharks n' rays have some o' tha largest brains among all fish, wit' brain-to-body ratios simila ta birds n' mammals.

KT: Another one I've hears is that all sharks must swim constantly.

M: Most sharks do need ta swim continuously in orda ta pass wata ova their muthaf[BLEEP]in' gills n' breathe, some sharks r' able ta actively pump wata ova their muthaf[BLEEP]in' gills while restin' on tha sea floor.

KT: They (you know THOSE people) say shark fins are flavorful, full of nutrients and even have some medicinal value.

M: Shark fins offa no flavor or nutritional value. In fact, as top predators, sharks accumulate contaminants from their muthaf[BLEEP]in' prey, such as mercury, which has straight-up health effects even at low doses.

KT: Along those lines, people who hunt sharks for their fins say that sharks grow those fins back once they've been cut off.

M: Dat's total Bullsh[BLEEP]. A finned shark thrown overboard will drown, bleed ta dirtnap or be smoked by other sharks.

KT: But it must not be too bad. After all, sharks have no real predators.

M: Look, Red, da top billin threat ta sharks is HUMANS. Each year, tenz of millionz of sharks is capped fo' they fins. We is disruptin tha ocean ecosystem by cappin' a f[BLEEP]in sh[BLEEP]load of sharks. Tha only thang worse than humans huntin' sharks r' dem two legged sharks roamin' above wata livin' like a huthug. I be shizzle you know what tha f[BLEEP]k I be poppin' off bout n' know a gangbangin' few.

KT: Thank you so much for helping clarify these things, Mack. I think I'll finish off my beer and be headed on my way.

M: Don't rush off, Red. Y'all KNOW dat shit, mutha[BLEEP]ka! Come on n' join me n' all dem playas. We goin ta swim a lil' bit n' then grab a funky-ass bite ta eat. I be shizzle they'd ludd ta have you, biatch. Join our asses I mean.

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