Sunday, April 1, 2018

SURFWATCH VINTAGE BREAKING NEWS ORIGINALLY POSTED APRIL 1, 2009

...ON APRIL 1, 2009...




Surf Rang and Singing Sensation Tauri Tigerpaw Wed in Vegas

A shocking announcement: SL's most eligible bachelor and SL Surfing Association mascot Surf Rang was seen on the Vegas sim earlier today tying the knot with SL singing sensation Tauri Tigerpaw. Witnesses claim the two appeared to be drunk. If true, this is not the first time down this road for Mr. Rang. Readers of this page will recall his disastrous 3-day marriage to pop star Britney Spears last April 1st. The newest Mrs. Rang told Surfwatch “ Nobody gets it. Why can't people just leave us alone? This is more than just puppy love.” For her sake we hope so.

Boogie "Belly" Board League to Start

Unidentified sources in the SL witness protection program report the start up of a new boogie board league in SL. Surfers may enter if they can belly ride their boards the entire wave run, and riders will score with direct board/belly contact. Standing is not allowed, but kneeling is.

Feds Probe Money Laundering at SLSA

AG asserts Sally was not just selling seashells down by the sea shore. SL authorities investigating alleged lag at Chi stumbled upon Sally LaSalle's international money laundering operation. Lead investigator April1 Linden commented, “ We had a huge lag anomaly on the Chi server. As our first units arrived, they observed SLSA Board member Sally LaSalle suspiciously throwing US dollars into the fluffys at Chi. Upon closer inspection, our detectives observed that the entire wave system was clogged. A source close to the investigation commented, “People have no idea how huge a scale she operated on.... LaSalle must have been getting away with this for years. This explains why there is a world wide credit crisis, what happened to the value of housing, and why there is Lag in SL.” As LaSalle was lead away in cuffs, she was heard to quip, “And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it wasn't for you meddling kids and your dog.”

Immediate Changes to Impact SL Surfing to Rival Havok 4

Rumor has it there will be some sweeping changes to all future sanctioned surf competitions. Mandatory drug testing will begin for all surf competitions prior to each heat, and avatars will need to provide urine samples. In addition, all non-aquatic furry avatars will be disallowed. Socks Clawtooth was quoted as saying, "This rule is otterly ridiculous! I plan on staging a protest by attending the next event as a fiddler crab." The length for shortboards has been reduced and competitors may now ride toothpicks. Longboard minimum length has been increased resulting in megaprim boards. New rashie colors for competitors will be introduced. The new order will be: white, bone, ecru, snow, eggshell, onion, pearl. Beige is currently undergoing rigorous debate. Judge colors will now be puce. In an unprecedented move unseen since the Havok4 alterations, Linden Labs plans on making major changes to the water environments. Several changes are in the works, including altering the color of all SL oceans to salmon. One of the most noticeable differences are that wave sizes will undergo a change. Since people have been complaining that fluffies are not exciting enough, they will be increased to 5M in height and move at 3 times the speed. Epics will become truly epic with an estimated height of 40M. The judges have added 2 more points for "height achieved" on waves.

Socks Clawtooth line of Fur Care Products Recalled

The SL FDA earlier today issued a recall on the entire line of fur care products endorsed by famed surfer Socks Clawtooth. Reports have been surfacing world wide that Socks' so-called "Miracle Fur and Hair Tonic" may be anything but what it claimed. According to the results of a scientific analysis commissioned by Surfwatch, Sock's Miracle Fur and Hair tonic contained as much as 90% Nair hair removal cream. Socks commented, “ It was an honest mistake. All these hair products look alike.” Readers may recall Socks' company was already embroiled in controversy when PETHA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Human Avis) showed a stunning video in which Socks himself is shown testing his products on the eyes of caged human avis.







Cain Halderman Still Missing

Police Commissioner Gordon of the SL Police has indicated Abel Halderman is a person of interest in the ongoing investigation of his missing brother, Cain. Cain has been missing since January 3rd. Abel told police his brother said he was going out to catch some waves and just never returned. Witnesses, however, reported hearing a loud argument ensuing from the brother's Magic Apple Surf Shop on the Eden Gardens Sim earlier that morning. Abel has yet to account for the rolls of duct tape, concrete cinder blocks, chains, and boat anchors he was seen rezzing shortly after by neighbors. In addition, investigators continue to question Abel's alibi that he was “AFK at the time.”




EPA Imposes Massive Fine on Colleen Brennan; Shuts Tsunami Beach Effective Immediately



It was not a volcano that gave rise to the black sands of Tsunami beach after all. SL Environmental Protection agents revealed that Tsunami beach is actually the site of a massive oil spill covered up by Collen Brennan after she got drunk and ran her oil tanker aground last February. Since that time, Brennan has been touting the natural black sands of Tsunami Beach and urging visitors to come and see the rare bird species such as the Tsunami Sticky Bird that can only be found on her sim. A Coast Guard Officer in a press briefing suggested, “ .... This is the most egregious blatant example of not caring about the environment that I have ever seen.” Brennan defended her actions stating, “...but it really is beautiful...look at the colorful rainbows I have on my water, and where else have you seen sand this shiny?” Colleen is currently free on $3 million Linden dollar bail and plans to focus her attention on her real life profession of whale hunting and baby seal skin gathering while she prepares her defense. Collen left Surfwatch with these words, “ I love animals and the seas, they make me rich.”


Surf Rang is in Tauri's Doghouse Already


Apparently SLSA mascot Surf Rang's marriage to Surfwatch editor Tauri Tigerpaw is over even sooner than expected. Surf Rang, that previously unslanderable icon of SLSA surfitude, was photographed making out with a cat. A friend close to Tigerpaw claims Tauri was very hurt and told her “ I know he is a dog but that does not give him any right to call me a bitch.” TT (Tauri Tigerpaw) has been spotted in various SL trees cozying it up with unidentified avs and is rumored to have been arrested on tequila related drunk TPing charges. Mr. Rang was not available for comment. His agent did tell us however that we should no longer refer to his client as Surf Rang. From now on he prefers to be called Surf Diddy and just wants to put this whole mess behind him. It is not known whether Tauri ever signed a prenup. More details are sure to follow. Keep reading Surfwatch for all the latest.











Tauri Tigerpaw mug shot

No comments: